Imagine being visited by three spirits...well, I was.

What if someone asked you to "think about, and deeply imagine, your body being at the most fatigued it could possibly be?" How far could you go? What do you think you would feel like at your lowest? I'm thinking of low like if you went to Death Valley, CA and dug down another 10 feet. Do you think you could imagine fatigue where you were laying on your side in bed, wanted to pull up a blanket that was just out of reach at the end of your bed, but didn't feel you could sit up a little bit, reach your arm down to get it, pull it up, and flop your head back down on your pillow? Even with the MS flares I've had in the past, I'm a person who goes and goes, at most, I have to slow down a bit, so what? I could have never imagined the level of fatigue I felt yesterday. In fact, if you explained it to me in complete detail and even told me that, "No, Mike, I promise you, I've seen it." I still wouldn't be able to conceptualize such profound, debilitating and all-encompassing fatigue. Is all I can say is, now I know, and today is better.

That being said you can probably tell that yesterday was not one of my better days. I'm not sure if it was that yesterday, 12/21/2009 (or Day +3) was the day my white blood counts hit zero. Imagine, immunity gone, just like that. Or, maybe it was that I had some of the worst stomach pains that I've ever experienced. They have ruled out Pancreatitis, and as usual, just blame it on the chemo - which is fine, it's better than the former. Adding low grade nausea with occassionally throwing up is a bit zapping too. But, I also have maybe eaten 5 pieces of food since last Tues - I usually eat two pints of ice cream per night. Remember, I didn't come in with a lot of reserves to play with. I entered at 161 lbs and today officially weighed in at 147! And, believe me, I look all of that 147, as I think most of what I lost was muscle. They give you every chance to eat on your own, they really want YOU to do it, but gave in and started IV 'food' last night. It's about time, I guess my body is just not equipped for starvation.

This brings me to what really, truly got me through yesterday. But, before I get into those events exactly, I must mention that whether they appear in writing or not, my wife and children are ALWAYS what get me through each day. I was thinking a couple of days ago, "What do I actually fear?" I sat there awhile, thought about it, and ran through some possibilities. It really didn't take me long to come to the conclusion that I don't really fear anything, except one thing...not having my wife and sons in my life. So, if they don't constantly appear in my words, everyone should know that if there were 25 hours in the day, I'd be thinking about them during that extra hour too. I love you Casey, Jack and Owen!

Keeping in step with the holidays, I must say what helped me get through yesterday was a visit by three spirits. Now, we all know they weren't real spirits, I'm not that out of it, they were three people. Yet, these were three people somehow strategically placed in my day when I needed it most. First, it was 12:30 pm (I think) and I hadn't been out of bed yet. It was dark and the door opened. A voice said, "Hi Mike, it's Bill Herzog." I hadn't moved in 2 hours, and I wasn't sleeping, it was just that I couldn't even lift my arm to get that blanket I struggled so mightily for earlier. Bill walked across the room and sat down, I immediately propped my head up with my hand, was able to smile, and enjoyed talking without stopping for about 20 minutes. I feel like this jump-started my day. Bill, please know how grateful I am that you choose this day, at this time, to stop by. Bill is the father of John, whom I went to Prep with. I still see John a few times per year, but it may have been 10 years since I've seen Bill. Bill's house in Montlake was the house in high school that you could hang out at, unjudged, yet safe and with appropriate counsel (and a hot meal) always at the ready. Remember this was 25 years ago, yet this same feeling came rushing back to me when I saw Bill Herzog. Plus, he knows just what to say. Thanks Bill.

Secondly, it was just about dinner time, that would be if one actually ate dinner, which I don't. So, I guess it was about 4:30 pm. Also, I'm still in bed, but, I've progressed, because I'm actually 'thinking' about sitting up to rinse my mouth. All of the sudden my mom walks in, spirit #2. I haven't seen her since coming in to the UW because she had been traveling and we thought maybe she got a cold on the plane, etc. It was sooooo nice to see her! It was exactly what I needed. I won't go into to much detail here, but just know that it was a wonderful visit; a few tears were shed (which I/we needed to do) and she showed me my Christmas present early. Ha ha Jack and Owen.

Thirdly, my mom said my brother was on the way to "Just sit and watch some football." I wasn't sure I was up to it, so I thought, well, I'll call him and let him know if he's not left home yet, that "I'm doing ok, let's do it another night." He was already driving and almost here, and I'm glad I got to see him - spirit #3. We really don't have to say much to enjoy each others' company. So, we talked a bit about how I was doing, then moved on to many other pleasantly mundane topics, which was very nice. We watched the end of a terrible Monday Night Football game, but it didn't even matter. Paul let's me see the future, as in things can (and will) get back to normal when all this process completes sometime next year. After the visit, there was a "See you later," and a "Hang in there man," and spirit #3 was closing the door behind him.

So, I got to share some old memories with Bill, shed a few tears with my mom, and forget about it all and talk about how much the Seahawks suck with Paul. I think these were the spirits of the past, present, and future. Not bad for a bad day. Then, I was able to smile, take my Zofran and Ativan and look forward to a better day tomorrow - which it is.

All that being said, I need to mention that I was also visited by Steve Bronson, but he's not a spirit, he's actually in the best-friend category, and he visited twice - coming and going to work. He works at UW on the coronary care floor, so I just wanted to make sure that everyone knows 'spirit' status is reserved for the unexpected. I know I can count on Steve each morning he works, in fact I saw him a couple of hours ago. Thanks Steve.

I'll look forward to chatting again soon. Love to all. Mike