Ah, so this is what they're talking about.

There is one good thing that came out of this day. I'll never have to wonder what it would feel like to be hit, run over, and dragged under a bus for ten miles. So, I got that going for me, which is nice. Let me first get out there that I DID sleep last night. Felt great! Of course, it didn't hurt to have a little help from my new freinds, Ativan and Ambien. In fact, after how the rest of the day went, I kind of wish I had just been able to sleep through Dec 16th.

Today is the last day (of four) for the Etoposide (VP-16) and Ara-C (Cytarabine). And, I must say that I don't think it was nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I had those from 8am-12pm and again now from 8pm-12am. Then, no mas, as in none tomorrow. I tolerated the first three chemos pretty well and except for some loss of appetite and headache, I have think I did better than most people do.

The kicker is another drug added today (one that I will take tomorrow also). This drug comes in and completely depletes any remaining T-cells (a type of white blood cell). The T-cells are the problem in MS, they're the ones that have been turned on you to attack the myelin sheath around your nerves. I was warned that this drug, called ATG (Anti-Thymoglobulin) would give you flu-like symptoms. In my opinion, they slightly underestimated that, as I think they should have said, "Your will experience extremely aweful and uncomfortable flu-like symptoms that will make you want to jump out of the window of you room." Now, if they had 'pre-educated' me with this more accurate version, then I feel I would have actually known what to expect.

They are wonderful nurses and doctors and they truly try and make you as comfortable as they can. They pre-medicated me with IV Benadryl, IV steroids, Zorfan (nausea), Tylenol, and Ativan (sedation). When they gave me all this I was sitting in the chair reading a magazine, then after about 5 mins, I couldn't even make out the words. It was all one blurr, as was the TV when I turned it on. At this point, I thought maybe it would be a good time to get into bed before they started the ATG.

The ATG came about 30 mins later to try and give me some time for the pre-medications to work. I'll shorten this up a bit because I don't think I want to relive all the gorey details so close to the actual event. The ATG ran over 6 hours, during which time I required more Tylenol, Ativan, Steroids, and even some Demerol. Basically, I spent 3-4 hours with very a high fever, shivering cold, yet boiling up, lying in the fetal position' a pounding headache, and gut-grinding nausea. Although I didn't actually throw-up until I got the Demerol.

The 'trip' ended about 6pm and I began clearing and feeling better over the next 30 mins. Decided to call Casey and say goodnight to kids and Skyped Dale down in Arizona at 6:30. Asked the nurse to unhook my IV for 30 mins and I took a shower and a walk, then actually ate cheese, crackers, and applesauce (first food of the day). I'm on my last dose of Ara-C and VP-16 now (yippee), yet, unfortunately, have one more dose of ATG to look forward to tomorrow. At least I'll know what to expect. :)

In the news: I have no 'in the new's today, as I saw nothing but my blanket pillow, and stomach as I was curled up in the fetal position. Maybe tomorrow.

All that being said, overall I'm doing well. I just keep reminding myself that it could always be worse and there are always people in a more painful and desperated place in life than you are. So, no whining here, the upside to this little bit of pain/discomfort is what I have in my sights. That upside is more time with my wife, kids, family, and friends. And, I'm so confident that I'll get there that in my mind I can see it in the distance as clear as day.

Love to all. Mike